Today I was lying on the playmat with little E just watching her kick her feet and take in her surroundings. And I realized that my fantasy world is ending and the real world is calling. My maternity leave is ending next week and every time I think about it I tear up. Everyday for the past 12 weeks I've been able to watch Erin grow and change. She's brought up feelings inside of me I never knew existed. It's very hard to explain because I've never felt this way before (Erin being my first child).
I have images in my head of her screaming her head off looking for me and I'm nowhere to be found and nobody able to comfort her and then either my mother or my sister-in-law losing patience. I know part of my nightmare will come true (she will scream her head off) but I also know that she will be comforted by those around her. They will learn her routine and what she likes and she will learn all of their smells and smiles.
I'm very lucky to be working in a place that is family centered and understands that people have lives outside of work. But in my ideal world I would love to be able to work 3 days a week (and make the same salary) or work from home. I never expected this transition to be so incredibly difficult and I'm dreading August 17th. But unfortunately at this time I can not afford (economically) to stay home (maybe when we win the millions). I've heard that the anticipation of going back to work is actually worse than being there (so that's what I'm hoping). That once I'm settled into my routine all will be well in the world.
At this point I have nobody in my life going through what I'm going through. I'm the first of my friends to be married with a child; only a few of my friends have serious boyfriends. I guess this blog is developing for me out of a need to connect with other moms going through what I'm going through.
If anybody out there in the blogworld has any advice please feel free to leave it!